Thursday, December 27, 2012

Ban assault snakes

We can't allow an incident like this near-tragedy to ever happen again.

That's why I'm proposing a long-overdue ban on "assault snakes," which is a vague category of snakes that are only designed to kill and are entirely impracticable for petting zoos or use as companion snakes.

Assault snakes are any snakes that possess two or more of the following features:

* Long, bayonet-like fangs

* Skeletal or folding rattle

* Raised Jacobson's organ

* Patterned hood

* Green or brown "camo" scales

* Venomous bite

* Deep, sexy eyes

Just imagine if one of these slithering murder-beasts was let loose in a school. We don't have the funding to organize an ensemble of irrelevant celebrities to read short, repetitive bursts over and over again at the camera to manipulate the emotions of the public. We need you to pressure your congressman into bringing St. Patrick's Day early this year by chasing the snakes out of American for good.

1 comment:

  1. Preach it!

    However, her Ladyship, Baroness Feinstein, is proposing that the new assault weapons ban will include weapons that have only one, instead of two, of the features on her naughty list. (new banned feature: rocket launcher) I think it only appropriate that your much neededn assault snake ban be as stringent.

    If not, you hate children, motherhood, poor people, apple pie, and baseball. Single feature assault snake test!